Recovery Account Volume

The internet has been called the information highway. While I agree there is much information, there is also much misinformation. Morgellons Disease is a still not well understood and yet opinion on cause and cure seem endless (certainly my blog being one, as it is dedicated to the view of cause being toxicity).

I would like to create a volume of a dozen or so accounts of recovery from Morgellons (I'd be willing to edit and include my own). The volume could be made available free of charge online.

I'd like to hear from you on this topic. Does such a volume make sense? Do you have your own story of recovery? I do think patterns could emerge from creating a collection of recovery stories.

It's a short blog entry, but I'm hopeful it will prove fruitful.

Family Dysfunction or Remembering Who Holds the Reins to Your Life

I have been back from Africa for almost two weeks. Without going into details, I have been pulled back into some family dysfunction in a major way (never pleasant). I do feel I have made some strong decisions though and in a strange way have benefitted from the situation.

Until our very last breath, we hold the reins in our life. We get to make decisions for ourselves along the bumpy road. I know with Morgellons or other serious health challenges it doesn't feel that way; in fact, it feels like we have absolutely no control.

For myself, I remember making the decision to see the glass as half full instead of half empty. I had days four years ago when I could barely pull my pants on because of the exhaustion. I learned to count out ten things I was thankful for upon waking (and I still do this regularly). A simple sunbeam or bird song became built up to-- God life is great!!

And it is. Life is great! I've just returned from a jog in my sister's neighborhood. My health, since returning to the US, has improved in leaps and bounds. I have been taking the parasitic cleanse of wormwood, black walnut, and cloves (it is available in a tincture made by Gaia); I am convinced it has helped considerably. I also feel the air quality and lower altitude has allowed me to breath proper (I was gasping and gulping air for much of my stay in Tanzania). The stress levels are much lower in my current situation and this is a good thing.

No matter where your health or other life matters sit at this point, you hold the reins. Ride on! Ride on!

Self Care

Last year I had an ongoing dialog with a biochemist from Mansfield University. I was trying to get a better understanding of the internal mixing of mercury with toluene and/or methamphetamine (I wanted to better understand--would this change the properties of mercury to allow it access beyond the blood/brain barrier?...and cause the Morgellons symptoms?). While he was initially interested, he distanced himself when I proposed Morgellons symptoms are likely "the tip of the iceberg". He did make one statement which has stuck with me; "With toxicity it is all about amounts," he stated.

In my recent extended stay in Africa, I believe my internal environment was effected. I'd had two heart racing episodes in the last two weeks (which could be caused by an increase in mercury levels); one of these was midway over the Atlantic (I had some Xanex with me to slow my heart down). While these symptoms were terrifying to me, it seems some would question whether I even had any.

Here's a point anyone who has dealt with Morgellons symptoms can related to. Imagine going to your family doctor and saying, "I have a stomach ache". The doctor is likely to tell you to take some antacids. If you go to the same doctor and say, "It feels like bugs are crawling under my skin", it is more likely than not they will say you are delusional. Why is it people, whether medical professionals or not, feel justified in questioning others when they state symptoms they are experiencing?

My sister-in-law, who is a respected biologist, professor, and general kind person, talked with me about Morgellons when I was in the thick of symptoms. I remember her saying, "I watched a special on it. They concluded 'It's all in your head'." She meant to be helpful and objective.

I told her, "Yes, it is in my head...and my arms, legs, intestinal track. In fact, it is all over my body." How can you be angry with anyone when the majority of the medical community still sees these symptoms as fiction?

Sufferers rely on other sufferers, those who have recovered and/or a handful of medical researchers to find a path to wellness (by the way, could somebody please call the CDC and wake them up!). I've said it before and will say it again- the person who can greatest help you recover is right in the mirror. We have got to take care of ourselves!

Taking care of myself at this moment means getting feedback from a doctor (I am waiting for test results and may do follow up testing), keeping stress low, and finding a setting with clean air and water (related to this I just read some discouraging news for North Central Pennsylvania (see http://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/27/us/27gas.html?_r=1&hpw)). I'm not certain where this will take me. I've taken the "breathing time" over the last week to build my online presence as a writer (thank you Liz!! please take a look at: jwkeleher.com or cliffhuggins.com). Remember every moment of every day--take care of yourself!

Pondering the Dark Continent

Tomorrow I fly back to the United States. I face the unknown again, but it is not nearly as frightening when you've got friends and family near. I have come full circle as many of my Native American friends would say.

I came to Africa for a job, but truthfully I had more compelling me. A graduate school friend used to say in reference to being an archaeologist, "We're trained pattern recognizers." It's true. I had noted and written about symptomatic patterns in large scale African studies related to use of mercurial skin cream; the symptoms mimic Morgellons Disease. It seemed it was my destiny to take the teaching position in Tanzania. I'd hoped to connect with medical professionals who could look at the patterns more closely.

I did connect with a mental health professional. In April I was to present my recovery and research to one of the local hospitals. Then I got sick. For two days I found myself on some roller coaster. Maybe it was the flu, maybe more. I found myself contemplating leaving. I made it through a couple more days at work. On the weekend I started getting pins and needles in my left half. I decided it was enough to be concerned with (and others agreed).

I went to one of the local hospitals. There were mosquitoes swarming me, as I sat on the worn rustic bench outside listening to calls to prayer from the local mosque. An hour later, the "doctor" scanned my paperwork and in broken English said, "Yes, I know this. You have urinary infection." I nodded as he told me to go to their pharmacy and, "Buy drugs and come back in one week." A light went on in my head as I recalled a local friend warning me about a particular hospital which told everyone they had a urinary infection. I crumpled the test results in my pocket and caught a taxi back to my residence.

I contacted my primary detox professional, Dr. Bruce Shelton in Phoenix, and am having medications I couldn't get shipped to Tanzania sent to my mother's. I also am getting recommended herbals for parasite removal as outlined on Dr. Hulda Clarke's website (and recommended by a local homeopathic doctor). I will follow all the good stuff I recommend on this blog and get my system up and running again ASAP!

I will relax and reconnect with family and friends for a week or so. I have a good friend in New York City who is cyber-savy; she will help me get my website jwkeleher.com and a new website related to my YA Cliff Huggins series (introduction to 12 steps work for young people) up and running. I also hope to assist Patrica Springstead, RN in some extremely important research related to toxicity and the BP Oil spill. As always, I will seek the light path ahead of me (that is Quakerism. We talk a lot about the light).

I have come full circle. As I fly from the Dark Continent across the "Big Puddle" I will keep health in mind.

Sanctuary

The problems we encounter in life seem magnified when dealing with the symptom set called Morgellons. If life is simply a spiritual obstacle course, then it is important to understand The Creator would not give you a hurdle you cannot overcome. My last entry had to do with faith; simply said, have it. Along with faith I recommend another tool of importance—sanctuary.

My current setting and situation required me to establish some peaceful place I will call sanctuary. Sometimes it is not the easiest place to find. In hindsight, I am glad I took up the space in my backpack for my hammock as I packed for Tanzania some six months ago; this is one of my primary sanctuaries.

In interviewing for my current work position, I was told there was “plenty of hiking” and “The air quality is good”. Of course, as one cleans out their system of toxins, they do not want to replace with other toxins. So, I wanted assurance I would have clean air to breathe; instead I’ve been inhaling diesel fumes and smoke from burning trash. Hiking is a key piece of who I am. If I can go for an hour long hike each day, I find I feel much better than without. While I have found some dirt trails to hike along the river, I have been told it can be a very dangerous setting (not exactly what I had in mind for my hiking addiction). Add the stress of a several layered dysfunctional situation and you have severe stress. It hasn’t been pleasant.

Besides swinging in my hammock, I have relied heavily on my background of using the 12 Steps of A. A. utilized in the A. C. O. A. meetings I’d attended for many years. In fact, I had a coin given to me at one meeting with “To thine own self be true” on one side and The Serenity Prayer on the other. I carried this with me and repeated the prayer at least a dozen times each day until I lost it last month. I have replaced my lost coin with a pebble given to me by a new friend which she called a “Gratitude” reminder. Both have been helpful tools.

I mention my sanctuaries as examples; yours may be different. You know what they are.

So, in assisting to take on this hurdle in life, I list some suggestions which are likely repeated somewhere else in my writing.

1) Find sanctuary- You know what this looks like for you. Whatever this place or action is, as long as it doesn’t harm you or another, do it!
2) See symptoms as symptoms- I know how the symptoms feel. I know they are all consuming. I do believe they are primarily the result of toxins. See them as simply symptoms and nothing more.
3) Exercise- Whether it is a walk in the park or some simple yoga stretches, exercise has significant effect. I highly recommend at least one hour of walking each day. Quiet stretching exercise is good in assisting the body with removal of toxins, so yoga, tai chi, and such are great pursuits.
4) Jump the hurdle in front of you- Just like anything, if you don’t visualize it happening it won’t. See yourself healing.

As always, I wish you peace and good health. Happy trails, Joe

Faith

I’ve had a couple of strangely reflective days.

Yesterday was Sunday. I felt inspired and needing a place of worship. Maybe I wanted more. Maybe I wanted to connect to people too.

I got up early and followed a dirt path along the highway to the church on the far side of town. While I’m not much for singing and preaching, I felt it was what I needed. I have to admit it didn’t inspire me. I didn’t feel connected. In fact, I left the church and followed the dirt path back to my residence. I reflected and, while I mean it not to sound judgmental, it felt like a political setting and, if there is one form of human interaction I suck at it’s being political. I got home down and depressed.

As it is my nature, I’ve discovered trails in the jungles within Arusha. I went out for an afternoon walk. It felt good to be closer to nature. The trees and birds lifted my spirit. I decided to walk over to an ancient Catholic church set on a hill a short walk away. I got there and could hear a service in Swahili going on. It was towards evening. I must have looked strange in my dripping clothes; the Catholic school kids filling the pews kept glancing back excited by my visitation.

I walked out in the mist and chill to find a beaten pew under a broken stained glass window. Alone I sat silent and listened to the children singing inside. It had the kind of beauty making life such a good journey. I needed it and felt much better by the time I’d started my walk back in the misty twilight.

My work setting has been challenging. I’m thankful for the kids; they seem to have grown greatly since my arrival. I’ve found it more relaxed and sincere with the Tanzanian coworkers. The present challenges come from others who, for their own reasons, find comfort in causing me distress. I wish it wasn’t so.

Riding home on the “Workers’ Bus” I asked the lady next to me about her Bible. “It helps me when I’m down,” she said. We share some more.

I have read the Bible once through; it was when I was in the thick of things with Morgellons. It did bring me comfort. I won’t say I’m a Bible thumper, but I do enjoy reliving some of the stories from my religious education from so long ago. Tonight I read Joseph’s story. It reminded me of a regularly visited mantra in my life—have faith.

So, as I know so many of you are suffering from Morgellons and its symptoms, have faith. In the end, it may be the greatest form of detox we have. Peace- Joe

Toxic Stray or Finding Balance

Last night I had four beers. I hadn't meant to. I was handed one on the bus ride back from Moshi. The ride from Moshi to Arusha takes about an hour and a half, so I got a second beer from the school stocked cooler. Two beers was plenty, but when I sat down to visit some friends and was offered another...I felt obligated. Finally, getting home my landlord was waiting for me...of course he really wanted to go out for a beer. Anyhow, I had four beers and four beers was plenty.

This morning I am dragging. I do not drink often. I'd say I average once every other week or less. It is something I can live with or without. My family history of alcoholism is always at the front of my mind. I don't like to feel off balance.

Spiritually, I envision a path going directly to the light. When I'm off balance, I am straying from the path. Sometimes it is my ego, sometimes it is a need not getting met, sometimes it is too much food, sometimes it is too much to drink, I make bad choices--what is key is it puts me off balance.

I am starting to understand toxins this way. A toxin is something which puts our life off balance. It is possible to have life off balance physically, spiritually, or mentally. Bringing our life into balance and keeping it there, is our challenge. I am trying.

Sometimes it takes sitting in quiet to find clarity. I will take some quiet this weekend. I will focus on balance and build upon what I know.